Dear Me…

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Dear Me,

Right now, I know you feel like you’re drowning. I know you feel like your world has crumbled, that when everyone finds out about the little baby you’re carrying, you’re going to shatter people’s dreams – dreams they had for you, and dreams they had for themselves which involved you. I can see how you feel like the baby you’re carrying, is actually carrying you. You feel like people will only see the baby and what your pregnancy says about you right now, and people will never see you as you. People don’t see you struggling for every smile and fighting for each step.

I know you wish you were invisible but instead, you feel that you give failure a face.

You feel like you are the poster child for pain.

You feel like your name symbolises shame.

I see you are walking in the valley. You feel that God has left you – that any kind of good He could’ve done through your life is now shattered. You wonder about your worth, you question your character. No-one could possibly love you through this right? Including God? He abandoned you before you even knew yourself that you walking this road to motherhood. He knew you were, before you did and He gave up on you then, along with everyone else when they find out.

Stop.

You see that empty seat in the doctor’s waiting room? He’s sitting there.

You see the man sitting next to you, whose life has plunged into chaos just the same as yours has been? God chose him, for you, to walk with you right now (and forever) – Noah and you, He’s entrusted to him. Funny, his name is Matthew. Matthew means gift from God. Yes. He’s a gift from God for you. Dear Candice, Love Jesus.

Listen, me, six years from this day in the doctor’s room, you will tuck your little boy into bed, hold him close and realise these things:

1:            Your baby boy will be the dream that, those close to you, never knew they had. He will heal relationships, he will bind up broken hearts and he will shine light into lives that are trapped in the darkness.

2:            God never left you. In fact, when you look back to this time in your life, you will realise that it was this time right now, that He as closer to you than ever before.

3:            God doesn’t make mistakes.  Ever.

4:            From your greatest trial, came your greatest blessings. You will look back on this time and not wish it away, I promise you. These few months defined who you are, made you re-evaluate what you thought about God and carved your character in a way that you can’t even conceive right now.

5:            The little boy’s arrival will teach you all about unconditional love. Your friends and family will show you more about God’s grace lived out, than you will have ever experienced before. Abandonment should not even cross your mind. The next few months, they will prove that to you.

6:            The life you have now, six years later, is so much more fulfilling than the one you planned. I know you can’t see that now. Right now, you’re broken hearted about the life dreams you lost. I can assure you, this life you didn’t plan for – a life of jumping headfirst into motherhood and marriage so suddenly – that’s the life that actually makes your heart happy. You won’t cry for what you feel like you lost – because you actually didn’t lose anything of significance at all. You gained. You are where you weren’t planning to be but nonetheless, you are where you are meant to be.

7:            The greatest lesson you will learn is that grace means that everything in your life, including the hurt, the disappointment, the pain you’re going through right now, the products of your mistakes, all serve a purpose instead of serving shame.

Everything you believe about yourself and about what God thinks of you is eradicated by what is there on the screen. Look over.

You see that little hand on the sonar screen? Can you hear that heartbeat?

Noah is created by God. His time is right now. God loves you enough and finds you worthy enough to be his mom.

This time is the right time.

You are worthy, in fact so worthy, God entrusted you with another life. He made you a mother.

If I could hug you right now, me six years ago, I would. I know you feel you don’t deserve it. I know you will have to learn to love yourself again, and it won’t come easily. In fact, you will have days where you feel like you’re back here again.

But at least in the future, you know where to run to. He’s waiting. He never left you. Nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, you do will ever change that.

Now if you weren’t where you are right now, on this day six years ago, where you are at a tipping point of grace without knowing it, you may have never had the chance to experience that for yourself.

God is about to become more real to you than you’ll ever know. He’s there. Just lean into Him – you’re carrying a baby, and He’ll carry you both.

Love,

Me